THE MIND PALACE

you see the strange thing with tragedy, it helps you sort your priorities out very quickly. when death descends and the end comes, you turn your gaze to what's left. i have several sub-psychotic fits, many on this very blog, about the lingering impact of being rejected by someone once close to me but there's more to me than millennial angst. there are moments i have at work, speaking to people or even just tapping some digi-letters on my phone that a part of my mind ignites, like a neurological blaze. expression and creation - i was born for these. finding a captivating way of providing meaningful insight into what my reality looks like is my equivalent of discovering, pardon me, re-discovering a new element. a design writes itself out in my head and i make associations with everything i can possibly remember, relevant to the topic. i try not to think of the idea in my mind but my mind in the idea; understanding things from the jump completes half your work.   i sup...

i spend a lot of time, trying to figure out what i’d say to you if i knew that i’d never see you again. the way i’m feeling about you right now, though, it may very well come to that.  i feel about you the same way i once felt about my mother and about God – a burning rage that’s hardened into a cold, dark hatred.  i know it’s hatred because i want absolutely nothing to do with you and it’s clashing with how badly i want to be near you. i always say that no one should hate anyone because no one is that important. guess what – you are, or were i suppose. i showed you my best and owned up to my worst – honest, even to my detriment as much as you were loyal to your own. you taught me that reality really is a matter of perspective. i thought 2019 was a new beginning for us, for what could have come and what should have been. you had other plans to inadvertently bring devastation.  i still hear the echo of those immortal words: “i don’t see myself dating you”. my ri...

if you've been through enough, you know that a major component of existence is the concept of sacrifice - letting something go for the sake of another.  there may be something that you want but you can't have it unless you give something up. i think that sucks; we live in a space of literal infinity so why do we have to choose one over the other?  you need to vet the value of whatever you have to choose betwixt and the lighter one loses - pretty elegant system, if you think about it. imagine being the lighter one. imagine being the one who loses. someone weighed keeping you versus losing you for what they want to keep. guess what, cap - we lost. i was worth losing, it's only just now starting to sink. it was worth my overnight devastation for whatever the outcome.  my advice to you; don't overestimate what you mean to anyone. it wouldn't take long to become nothing to them, just like i did

i intern across the street from a mall where i shared some of the best memories of my life with her; my 22nd birthday, buying my PS4, all those random dinner or movie dates... i could go on. sometimes, when it’s our hour to chill, i stroll through the mall looking for more to remember – it’s inevitably overpowered by what I did, or didn’t do i suppose. while i’m strolling, i plug in. now the way my earphones are set up - the thing is the audio isn’t clear; the music sounds like an ethereal remix of itself. which i do enjoy, somewhat, because i hear different levels of the song that i never did before – kind of like how i’d never known her as well as i thought. one of the most humbling honours of my internship is working with an intelligent young woman who provided further insight into what some of what all this could mean. she suggested that maybe it's that my earphones aren't broken, used up or damaged - just not what they used to be. it sounds strikingly similar to ...

so, what am i doing - playing Marvel's Spider-Man (Spider-Man PS4) with my depression music in my ears. the thing with being sad, it follows you around and people can see it. so they always ask how you're doing and if you feel any better. the thing with compassion, as well, it just makes you sadder because the idea that someone cares is just so damn precious. anyway, this game gives me soothing relief and it isn't just because it's my favourite superhero of ever. no. it's special to me, in addition, because it's about a 23 year old young man who's just graduated from university, finding his way after a break up and just found a job as an intern. i see myself in that suit. i see myself in those checkered shirts. the story reminds me of my mission; be greater than what you suffer. be greater than the heartbreak.  be greater than the confusion.  be greater than the doubt.  it's about proving a point to everyone, including my darker sel...

dis dat splaah. it's dat splaah right there. i keep saying, like some consciousness trapped in the same moment for eternity, that i finally got an internship which could lead into full time employment if i knock it out of the park. and it's hard.  not the internship, so much. i mean, it is something of a culture shock because ya boi was without purpose for over a year and saw his whole life fall apart meanwhile.  but the work does full engage me and i enjoy it because it plays right into my intuitive strengths and what i studied. the challenge comes in when it means being an adult; finding a place to stay, financial independence, making time and effort to self care - stuff that i didn't need to worry about a decade ago. i went from waking up at 07:00 on the daily with absolutely no plan to being in the office at 08:00 to comb through whatever work they put in front of me. i feel like i'm at another foundational point of my life and this is a really good op...