THE MIND PALACE

i intern across the street from a mall where i shared some of the best memories of my life with her; my 22nd birthday, buying my PS4, all those random dinner or movie dates... i could go on. sometimes, when it’s our hour to chill, i stroll through the mall looking for more to remember – it’s inevitably overpowered by what I did, or didn’t do i suppose. while i’m strolling, i plug in. now the way my earphones are set up - the thing is the audio isn’t clear; the music sounds like an ethereal remix of itself. which i do enjoy, somewhat, because i hear different levels of the song that i never did before – kind of like how i’d never known her as well as i thought. one of the most humbling honours of my internship is working with an intelligent young woman who provided further insight into what some of what all this could mean. she suggested that maybe it's that my earphones aren't broken, used up or damaged - just not what they used to be. it sounds strikingly similar to ...

so, what am i doing - playing Marvel's Spider-Man (Spider-Man PS4) with my depression music in my ears. the thing with being sad, it follows you around and people can see it. so they always ask how you're doing and if you feel any better. the thing with compassion, as well, it just makes you sadder because the idea that someone cares is just so damn precious. anyway, this game gives me soothing relief and it isn't just because it's my favourite superhero of ever. no. it's special to me, in addition, because it's about a 23 year old young man who's just graduated from university, finding his way after a break up and just found a job as an intern. i see myself in that suit. i see myself in those checkered shirts. the story reminds me of my mission; be greater than what you suffer. be greater than the heartbreak.  be greater than the confusion.  be greater than the doubt.  it's about proving a point to everyone, including my darker sel...

dis dat splaah. it's dat splaah right there. i keep saying, like some consciousness trapped in the same moment for eternity, that i finally got an internship which could lead into full time employment if i knock it out of the park. and it's hard.  not the internship, so much. i mean, it is something of a culture shock because ya boi was without purpose for over a year and saw his whole life fall apart meanwhile.  but the work does full engage me and i enjoy it because it plays right into my intuitive strengths and what i studied. the challenge comes in when it means being an adult; finding a place to stay, financial independence, making time and effort to self care - stuff that i didn't need to worry about a decade ago. i went from waking up at 07:00 on the daily with absolutely no plan to being in the office at 08:00 to comb through whatever work they put in front of me. i feel like i'm at another foundational point of my life and this is a really good op...

hey or whatever the appropriate greeting is, i can't tell what's what anymore. today's really special for me, i can't speak for you but for me, bet. we would've gotten our bachelor’s degree in relationship management and analysis today - four years is no joke, even though we were really good at telling them. i don't know if you heard but i finally got an internship, like, with a contract and everything. i wish you could see me in there - i think you'd be proud. this is a victory that came all too late because i wanted to win it for us but we aren't "us" anymore. i keep having moments of cognitive dissonance because it doesn't seem real but it is. i'm looking toward finding my own place next, you know the reshuffling happening on the home front. i don't know how that's going to happen but it's got to, i suppose. my niece is growing healthily and seems to be smarter than the average infant. she's associated car r...

my personal social experiment is going very well; i've successfully managed to assimilate the behaviours and characteristics of an extrovert.  the thing is, there’s virtually no strain on my emotional or mental energy. like, dude, i enjoy talking to people. i'm naturally a people person and i can engage with them. easily. don’t get me wrong, i still like doing indoor stuff like reading and video games. but i’m hoping someone calls me later today saying i better dress sharp, we goin’ out tonight.  i guess i had to prove myself wrong in that regard, the part of me that i lost or maybe never really had. maybe i allowed for stuff that didn’t paint a wholesome picture of what i am. but the thing i can say for sure is depression doesn’t stay for long when you have a healthy, deeply rooted image of yourself – then people have no choice but to roll with it. and that's where i'm at; rolling with it, my new form has something to say so i'm letting him...

i haven't had much time to think and be deep because i've been too busy listening to indie rock, dancing like a dismembered bird. listen to warbly jets - you'll get what i'm talking about. but basically i'm in a bit of a mental shifting phase that's seeing me tap into the brighter, more charismatic parts of my character. you'll be seeing more of an extrovert in me this month; i promise. i'll tell you all about it when that part of me learns to be creative and thought provoking too. "it's a dizzy dive but i'll survive. there's noise around; it grows louder. i've been up and down but now i'm fine, i know this time - i'm alive".

i translate my linguistic creativity from what it is in my head to what it is on this digital canvas; not quite sure what "it" means or what "it" is but all i know is that it is. things have been harder on me than i thought, and even more i than show. i don't know if anyone else can relate but traumatic events deal their most damage the further time gets along. like, i didn't fully grasp what my father's death meant until months later. it didn't sink in that "he's gone and never coming back" until i had that "oh crap, he isn't coming back". but i could feel it barrelling towards me, the same way i could feel the break up barrelling towards me. even before it happens, you feel it making strides towards you. so you do the human thing and set up barriers to stop it. for a time, it works - slows down but doesn't halt the inevitable. you lose more and more ground until you teeter on the edge. then you feel the pus...