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LITERALLY, JUST MY DAY.

i woke up this morning, longing for the comfort of days past - the financial security, the romantic partnership and just the single mindedness of being in school, you know? there's no room for existential terror when you know that you've got to meet deadlines.

so i guess I woke up angry, turned on my old teen angst rock jams and it felt like coming back to a house that you said you'd never come back to but had to swallow pride and ask for your old room, just to feel like you belong somewhere in this madness.

i got ready for church at a glacial pace, slowed down by the gravity of my failures. i died to my pride countless times for my relationship to fall apart, while i tried to put it together. 

but who's fault is it that it ended? 

me.

i cried in the stillness of my room, paralysed by regret - like rewinding a tape that will have that one glitch, thinking this time it won't. 

but it does.

then, i felt nothing. i didn't feel peace or relief or whatever, just nothing. 

so i decided to talk that nothingness for a walk on my way to church, during which i struggled to hold back tears publicly because it started to sink in again.

passing the parliament square, i saw a piece of paper on the ground - the otherwise neatly tidied ground and printed on it was this little bit of scripture that referenced a turn around on the first day of the seventh month.

after loss, disappointment and discouragement being all i know 2019 for, this may very well be a reason to hope again. it may be another letdown like all the others but it shouldn't be.

and that was, literally, just my day.


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