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HAMARTIA.

i translate my linguistic creativity from what it is in my head to what it is on this digital canvas; not quite sure what "it" means or what "it" is but all i know is that it is.

 things have been harder on me than i thought, and even more i than show. i don't know if anyone else can relate but traumatic events deal their most damage the further time gets along.

 like, i didn't fully grasp what my father's death meant until months later. it didn't sink in that "he's gone and never coming back" until i had that "oh crap, he isn't coming back".

 but i could feel it barrelling towards me, the same way i could feel the break up barrelling towards me. even before it happens, you feel it making strides towards you.

 so you do the human thing and set up barriers to stop it. for a time, it works - slows down but doesn't halt the inevitable. you lose more and more ground until you teeter on the edge.

 then you feel the push. it doesn't sink in that you're sinking until you have that "oh crap, i'm sinking". it's only when you realise it that it starts to tear you apart. 

 some people try to be okay and push forward, i was one such. but i'm tired of pretending - i'm not okay, i feel alone because the person that i need is gone.

 but i need her to be gone because she hurt me and i hurt her but i also want things to be okay and back to normal. i thought the joy time would last a little longer, that's all.

 by definition, i can't see my fatal character flaw but it must be in here somewhere. it's fatal because i couldn't escape the disproportionate consequence. 

 i'm totally not okay and it isn't even a joke.

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